North premiership star Wayne Schwass has bravely revealed that on three occasions, he considered taking his own life during the peak of his illustrious AFL career.
In a revealing North Media special interview, the premiership hero and multiple best and fairest winner described his ongoing battle with depression, behind closed doors.
“I’m not proud to say I put myself in those situations, but I was exhausted.”
“It took all the colour out of my life, and because I refused to accept the situation I was in and refused to ask for help and foolishly believe if I told anyone outside of Rachel (wife) and Harry (former North doctor) about what I was living with, I’d lose respect, I’d lose opportunities, I’d lose those relationships, and I wasn’t prepared sacrifice that.
“But what I was prepared to sacrifice, was my ability to be happy and enjoy life."
“On the 1996 premiership dias, when I was the first player called-up ... and I got my premiership medal from Jack Dwyer, I was happy. I was happy in the sense that I’d achieved the dream, but I was spiritually broken," he recalled.
“I was lost and I turned around and put my hands up in the air and I put on a smile and looked happy, and I looked as though I was living-out every boy’s dream, and to a large degree I was, but the truth of the matter was I was thinking about how I could end my life.”
For Schwass, the struggle was made more difficult by working in an environment in which “vulnerability, sensitivity and crying was seen as weakness”.
“If an opponent or a team had any weakness, any vulnerability or any soft spots, we would expose that,” Schwass said.
"That was the nature of football at the time...If my teammates, if my coaches, if my father or my fiance know I'm emotional like this, they'll think that I'm weak. They'll think that there's something wrong with me."
It was on the way home from training at Arden Street one night in 1993 when Schwass realised he needed help.
“I was half-way home and I pulled up at a set of traffic lights. It was dark, I had hat on, and I burst out crying,” Schwass revealed.
“My immediate thought process was, ‘You weak prick. What’s wrong with you? Why are you doing this?’.
“I tilted my head inward and I tipped my cap in fear of someone outside of the car seeing Wayne Schwass, vice-captain to Wayne Carey and AFL footballer, crying.
“The shame and embarrassment I had associated was unbelievable.”
Today, Schwass is the founder and CEO of ‘Puka Up’, an organisation dedicated to raising awareness about mental health, emotional wellbeing and suicide prevention.
“The reason I do this is not about me,” Schwass added.
“I’ve accepted the fact that sport’s given me a vehicle, and I want to use that vehicle to help other people.
“I wanted to share something that’s very, very personal to me, to hopefully educate other people in the sense that someone who is really well paid, who seems to have everything they should be happy about, doing something he loves, can also be someone living with mental health conditions.
“I understand the challenges that come with these conditions, and I want other people to know who are dealing with those conditions now, in the future of have in the past, that it can affect anyone of us.”
The 49-year-old is hoping an eight-day, 1,433 kilometre bike ride (500 metres for every person that committed suicide in 2016 - 2,866) from Sydney to Melbourne will raise national awareness for a cause very close to his heart. He'll be joined by former superstars in Danny Frawley, Paul Licuria, Scott Cummings and Justin Koschitzke. Click here for more information
PRESS PLAY above to watch part one of 'Wayne Schwass - A Silent War', or alternatively listen to the full audio below.
Part two will be available on Tuesday, March 6.
