Two decades on from his time at North Melbourne, Wayne Schwass would love nothing more than to sit down with former coach Denis Pagan to explain the battles he faced at Arden Street.
In the second part of North Media’s special interview with Schwass, the premiership player says he still regrets hiding his mental illness issues with Pagan.
“There’s no doubt the strained relationship I had with Denis Pagan because of what I was going through,” Schwass told North Media.
“If I’m being honest, I resented him. I’m not proud to say that, and I’ve done a lot of reflecting about that, which is one of the reasons why I’d be keen just to sit down with Denis and have that conversation, because I feel partly responsible that I made certain decisions to protect one area of my life.
“I’d like to have an honest conversation with a man who was influential in my sporting career, because resentment, hate and spite don’t serve anybody. I was so fearful and frightened of the potential fallout that I never said anything to him, and I think that’s unfair.”
Schwass, who has battled depression since 1993, is grateful for the success Pagan was able to bring to North.
“Denis was a hard taskmaster, and I’m grateful for what he was able to do with a very talented, but immature group of players, and history supports that,” Schwass said.
“He challenged me, he questioned me and he was negative towards me and a lot of other players, but that’s just the way Denis went about his business.
“I took that very personally, but it’s something that I’ve had to make peace with on a personal level.
“I hated who I was, and it was really difficult because I was fighting this private, internal battle and I’ve got a really demanding coach who’s going really hard and pushing me as a vice-captain, and he had every right to.
“There were so many times when I wanted a cuddle, I wanted a hug, a pat on the head and I just wanted to be loved because I’d fallen out of love with myself.
Schwass was extremely reluctant to open-up about his battle with anyone, even his wife Rachel and former North doctor Harry Unglik.
“If I was in the same position today, what would I do differently?” Schwass asked himself.
“I’d walk into Denis’ office with Harry and maybe Rachel and sit down and say, ‘This is what I’m dealing with, mate. I need you to understand because I’m not 100 percent, and for me to be 100 percent, I need your support’.
“I’d probably say ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t sit down and talk to you. I’m sorry I didn’t have the trust and faith in you to be honest with you’,” Schwass added holding back tears.
PRESS PLAY above to watch part two of 'Wayne Schwass - A Silent War', or alternatively listen to the full audio below.
